A Chromosome too far
by Jenna-Chan Smith
Summary: Virgil Hopper's day to day life is hopping with nothing. A hop to mine reveals that I sure as hell am not cripplingly depressed.
1. Chapter 1: True Beginnings, Moonlit Desi

The Ancient Egyptians had a mastery of many things, architecture, mathematics, and even some say dark magicks.

Flash forward six thousand years to downtown Hamilton, where a young boy named Virgil Hopper was purchasing a sandwich at Subway.

"Hi, can I have a footlong cold cut combo on Italian Herbs and Cheese?" Virgil asked nervously in his recited tone.

"Yeah, sure, Regular cheese?" The tawny moor behind the counter enquired, hand eagerly in place to rapid-place the cheese to please.

"Yes, please." Suddenly, a faint noise caught Virgil's attention, distracting him just long enough, that when he turned back he noticed that his Swarthy Subway Sandwich Servant had placed himself over by the vegetables. "Oh, excuse me, could I have that toasted, please?"

"Hey, Sure thing, Buddy!" The rugged sandwich warrior with skin like mahogany chimed as he placed the footlong delight inside the toaster oven. Virgil and this Sandwich Sampson, this Eatery Adonis, this Gyro Hercules gazed at each other with awe as the smell of toasted bread filled the self-contained environment provided by Ottawa Heating, Cooling, and Airconditioning.™

"Bing!" Quoth the toaster.

The tan-skinned swimmer's bodied man grabbed the sandwich in a way that only a true warrior who had known hardships would. Dropping the twelve-inch breadbeast was not an option, he cradled it like an infant. "What would you like on that, Chief?"

"Uhhh…" Virgil was flustered by this Oaken-Hued Lunchtime Luchador using such intimate nicknames. "Yeah! I'll have lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, mayonnaise and salt and pepper, and that will be all, thank you!"

With the speed of a raging, but gentle cascade, this Stallion of a Sandgineer assembled the requested bits masterfully. "Would you like the meal deal?"

"Uhh, n… No thank you." Virgil smiled playfully.

"Alright, that'll be six twenty, champ." Mr. Tall dark and handsome informed.

Virgil slid his debit card through the slit playfully, underwent the transaction, then grabbed the plastic bag containing the twelve inch masterpiece. "Thank you!"

"You're welcome, enjoy your meal!" Spoke the SandwichFather.

"You too." Virgil scurried out of the Subway.


	2. Chapter 2: EVERYTHING IS GOING EXTREMELY

Virgil Hopper began his sixty-three minute walk to work, numerous had questioned his refusal to purchase a bus-pass, to which he always replied with an overly-enthused shrug.

Every puddle he'd encounter, would itself be encountered by a partially-failed and terribly dramatic leap.

Over one puddle did-not he traverse, landing with a catastrophic splash that wetted an elderly gentleman.

The man turned to Virgil Hopper.

"Son…" The old man audibly scowled.

"I… I'm sorry, Sir!" Virgil Hopper confidently defended himself with a warrior's stance of bowed head and splayed legs.

"Do you remember that annoying owl from Zelda 64?" The old man asked.

"Kaepora Gaebora?" Virgil listened on to this elderly muse's musings.

"Yes, I believe it was him that had once said: "Don't ever try to impress anybody. not even yourself, lest that become your norm, and to impress them again will require two-fold effort."."

"I don't think the owl from Ocarina of Time ever-" Spoke Virgil only to be cut short in his prime.

"He also said that "Tomorrow is a mystery, Yesterday is behind us, but Today is a Gift, that's why they call it the Present."."

"I'm pretty sure that was the Turtle from Kung-Fu Panda, and I don't see what any of this has-" But alas, yet again was Virgil interrupted.

"Son, I am dying, will you tell my daughter that I love her in an entirely heterosexual fashion?" The old man spoke as he took out the keys to his hearse and drove off towards an infinite flock of crows.

"Sir, I do not know your daughter." Virgil responded as he continued to walk to work and vowed to purchase a bus pass; this had been too much for six in the morning.


	3. Chapter 3: All things considered, life c

Virgil Hopper's best white friend, Randolph Cyan, had invited him for a weekend in his lake house. Randolph had always been a strange fellow, though a good friend none the less.

After a lengthy and entirely not awkward truck ride through the woods where Virgil was pretty-easily convinced did-live vampires, they stopped at a gas station for poutine and soda.

"Hey, Randolph…" Virgil asked "Do you believe in Vampires?" The fear in his voice was palpable, like oranges and undercooked beef.

"Vampires? No… But Swamp Things…" Randolph trailed off, he had never sounded more serious in his entire life.

"Uh huh…" Virgil nodded, wondering why he came along, he could be playing Legend League right now.

When they finally arrived at the lake house Randolph put a pot on the stove, patiently waited roughly twelve minutes for it to boil, never breaking gaze, then tossed some succulent frog's legs inside.

After the suggested cook time scribbled in marker upon the emptied Honey Smacks cereal box filled with frog's legs had elapsed, Randolph placed the succulent, moist frogs legs upon the table. "Eat up."

They were the most succulent frog's legs Virgil had ever tasted. Randolph's face twisted in ecstasy as he chowed down what he had served up. The iridescent sweat running down Randolph's face formed exquisite cascades of carnal passion.

After their meal, they sat down and watched The Creature of the Black Lagoon and its respective sequels and remakes, it was cold, so they had to share a blanket and thereby their body heat. "That's the one and only upside of being a mammal… Body heat…" Randolph moaned.

"Uh huh…." Virgil nodded anxiously, taking notice of the numerous posters and statues of frogs, toads, newts, axolotls, and salamanders that adorned and permeated the lake house.

When it came time for bed, Randolph brought Virgil into a small room illuminated only by a Michigan J. Frog-shaped lamp stapled to the wall, to the side of the room was a bunk bed with an impressively-complete matching Kermit the Frog Blanket and Pillow-cover set.

"In the morning we'll play Battletoads, are you stoked?" Randolph asked with glee and he got in the top bunk.

Virgil lay in the dark in the bottom bunk, seriously questioning his lifestyle choices leading up to this weekend.

"Hey Virgil…." Randolph broke the silence. "Is it weird to dream about being sexually-violated by the creature from the Black Lagoon?"

"I don't know…" Virgil responded, but it was in vain as his friend had fallen asleep, the last thing Virgil heard before falling asleep himself was Randolph humming "Hello my baby, hello my honey" in his sleep.


	4. Chapter 4: On an absolutely fundamental

Virgil Hopper awoke to the smell of smoking Honey Smacks cereal on the barbeque. "Oh jesus, fuck what." were Virgil Hopper's first thoughts of the day.

"Hey man, I can smell you being awake and all… Frog sense!" Randolph spoke in a non-threatening way.

Suddenly, Spiderman burst into the region-area and declared himself lord regent of this cabin "You know, this place probably isn't as miserable as you constantly make it out to be." This spidersome sexmachine spoke. "Maybe don't start drinking at 10:00 AM every day, too. Just a thought." Spiderman's body could be seen through solid matter, even with eyes closed.


End file.
